Information for Family and Friends If you think a friend or family member is experiencing domestic violence
or abuse, there are things you can do to help. Below are some suggestions about how to do this effectively, based on what formerly
abused people have said they found helpful.
People often feel awkward about ‘taking sides’. They try to keep out of a situation,
believing it’s not really any of their business. Friends and family may think
that they are being ‘neutral’, but the abuser usually takes this as evidence
that their behaviour is acceptable. In addition, an abused person can
easily interpret the ‘neutrality’ of those closest to them as blame for the
situation.
Raise the issue
Don’t wait for your abused friend or family member to tell you about
the situation. Bring the subject up yourself when their abusive
partner isn’t around. Let them know you are concerned and want to help. Try
not to criticise the partner or the relationship, instead focus on the abuse and safety. You don’t have to know all the answers.
The importance of helping your friend or family member break the silence
and end the isolation should never be underestimated. Listen to what they
have to say and let them see you can be supportive.
Facts about domestic violence and abuse
- Domestic violence and abuse is totally unacceptable. Everyone has the right to live their life free of violence, abuse, intimidation and fear.
- Domestic violence and abuse is common. One woman in four experiences domestic violence at some point in their life.
- Domestic violence and abuse is very dangerous. Each week in the UK, two women are killed by a partner or ex-partner.
- Domestic violence and abuse is intentional and instrumental behaviour. It is about
scaring someone into doing something that they do not want to do.
What to say
The following messages will all help your friend or family member when talking about their situation.
The abuser is one hundred per cent responsible for the abuse. Alcohol, culture, unemployment or financial worries are not excuses.
- It is not their fault. No one deserves to be abused, regardless of what they do or say.
- People who are violent and abusers can change if they want to. Their behaviour is within their control and they can choose to stop.
- A victim cannot change them. The only person that can stop someone being violent or abusive is that person.
- No one has to put up with it. Everyone has the right to safety and respect, to put themselves and their children first and to focus on their needs.
Above all, be patient. Your friend or family may need to talk about their situation numerous times. They may try to improve things or give their abuser several ‘last’ chances. Victims often leave and return several times to an abusive partner. If this happens, remember that each time they will gain a little more clarity and may – given enough ongoing support – eventually make the break final.
Helping to build your friend or family member’s self-esteem can have great benefits. Remind them of their good points, challenge them if they put themselves down or blame themselves, praise them for every step they take, and let them know what support you are able to offer and that it is available from other people/agencies.
Practical help
On a practical level you could:
agree a code word or action that your friend or family member can use to signal that they are in danger and cannot access help themselves;
- offer to keep copies of important documents and other items for the victim. That way, if they have to leave in a hurry, they don’t have to waste time collecting important belongings.
- Together, or on your own, find out information about local services and help. Offer any practical help you are able (and feel comfortable) to give, such as the use of your
telephone or address for information or messages, keeping spare sets of keys, overnight bags, important documents for emergencies.
Finally, get some support for yourself. You have to be strong if you’re going to be able to help. Most domestic violence and abuse services are happy to help with any worries you may have or provide suggestions as to other actions you might take. Most importantly, don’t give up on the victim. You might be their only lifeline.
Do…
- approach the victim about the abuse in a sensitive way, for example by saying,
‘I’m worried about you because…’
- believe what they tell you: it will have taken a lot for them to talk to you and trust you;
- take the abuse seriously. Domestic violence and abuse can be damaging both physically and emotionally, and is very destructive to someone’s self-confidence. The perpetrator of the violence and abuse could be placing them in real physical danger.
- focus on the victim’s safety: talk to them about it and how they could protect themselves;
- help the victim to recognise the violence and abuse and understand how it may be affecting their lives. Recognise and support their strength and courage.
- help the victim to understand that the violence and abuse is not their fault and that no-one deserves to be abused, no matter what they do;
- listen to the victim and help them to think about their relationship, whether they want to leave the relationship or stay, and how they can protect themselves from any more violence and abuse.
Encourage and help the victim to develop a safety plan. Agree with them the concerns for their safety as well as that of any children. Offer your assistance in developing a plan that may even include you. Help the victim look ahead to a plan of action should the abuser become violent or abusive again.
Suggest that the victim might consider having an ‘escape bag’ somewhere which could include an extra set of car keys, ID documents, birth certificates, insurance cards, in case they are needed.
Encourage the victim to break the isolation. One of the most effective ‘tools’ for perpetrators of violence and abuse is the victim’s isolation from family, friends, co-workers or any type of support system.
Help your friend or family member find an agency offering support. Help the victim to see how isolated they are.
Encourage the victim to take threats seriously. Express your concern for their safety and never minimise threats made by the perpetrator. Remember, however, that a victim is in the most danger when they have decided to leave. Respect their judgement as to the right time to leave. Leaving such a situation is a process, and the time must be right and safe.
Evaluate how the victim copes. Faced with violence and abuse, many victims develop ways of coping that are themselves destructive. Your friend or family member will need support in re-evaluating these negative coping mechanisms, and considering how to adopt more constructive ways of coping.
The last thing the victim will need is another reason to be hard on themselves, so real encouragement will be required.
Remember: if you feel overwhelmed or frightened yourself, get help.
Don’t…
- blame or ask judgemental questions such as, ‘What did you do to make them treat you like that?’ or ‘Why don’t you just break up with ..?’
- focus on trying to work out the abuser’s reasons for the abuse. Concentrate on supporting the victim and discussing what they do to protect themselves.
- be impatient or critical of the victim if they are confused about what to do, or if they say they still love the perpetrator. It’s difficult for anyone to break up a relationship, and especially hard if they are being abused.
Don’t maintain a friendship with both the victim and the perpetrator. This part is hard for a lot of people. The truth is that if you try to support both parties, you’re not going to be much help to either. The victim needs to be able to talk to someone who believes them, who will not pressure them to ‘see it from the other person’s point of view’, and who would never encourage them to get back together with the perpetrator. Placing yourself in the position of investigator or mediator is not going to help the situation.
Suggestions of questions to ask
- What can I do to help?
- How has the perpetrator’s behaviour made you feel?
- How is it affecting you?
- How have you been coping with the abuse?
- What can you do to make yourself safer?
- What are you afraid of if you leave?
- What are you afraid of if you stay?
- Do you know when an incident is going to happen? Is there a pattern?
- What’s your worst-case scenario for yourself/your children?
- What are your worst fears for yourself/your children?
- What do you already do to protect yourself/your children? (This is a good chance to help the victim see how much they may already be doing to stay safe.)
- Which of the things you do to protect yourself/your children work in practice, and which don’t?
- What personal strengths do you have that help you to deal with this situation? (Explore how these can be increased, for example by raising their self-esteem, self-belief and ability to trust their gut instincts.)
- What external resources are there to help you cope (support networks of friends and family, access to money, access to alternative accommodation and so on)? How can these be increased?
- Can I help you find out about what other choices might be available?
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